Jade Goody and me.

I don't know Jade but I know what she and her family are going through. Sadly from my experience Jade will leave us very soon. Sooner than the papers have reported.

I feel so sorry for those she will leave behind, especially her little boys.

I was 21 when my mummy died but that doesn't make the pain any easier to cope with. She left us on the day my little sister, Danielle, was due to celebrate her birthday party. Danielle was just seven when she left us.

I know I was very lucky to have her for 21 years. She was my best friend and I told her absolutely everything there were no secrets.

I am lucky now that I have Rich as he fills the best friend gap she left but I miss my mum. I am in work writing this and desperately trying not to cry.

I miss her so much at the moment that I often feel I can actually feel my heart break. I sit at home wondering why I am not bubbling with excitement about the wedding and feel a bit lonely and it hit me when reading OK! about Jade's wedding that was because I couldn't share it with her. I think I had been trying not to think about it too much.

We had talked about my wedding for years. I was one of those little girls who talked about getting married and the wedding day for years. The only thing that needed filling in was the part of the groom! In fact I haven't found the planning too stressful at the moment as I know what I want and have been able to find it. 

I have great friends and family who have been a brilliant support and have come with me to look at dresses etc. But I feel like I can't ring them about little things. If they read this they will tell me I am being silly.

I went to look at wedding shoes the other day on my day off and went on my own. I felt really depressed by the situation as it was right next to Danielle's school and I thought if my mummy was still here we would have all gone together.

I know in reality if she was still here she wouldn't have come with me for everything but at least she would have been there to talk to.

I think what Jade is doing is great and is her business but for me it brings back memories I don't like to dwell on. I was with my mum to her last breath and trust me it isn't something you want flashing before your eyes constantly. I still feel guilty that in the end I was desperate for her to go. The pain is too much for anyone to live with.

For me I plan to try and look forward to the wedding as I am marrying the man I love more than anything in the world and I do have people to share it with. Sometimes it is just hard. I know she will be with us on the day and I am holding that close to my heart.